Saturday, July 24, 2021

Cloudburst! and the thirsty ground

Cloudburst!
and the thirsty ground






not knowing what love is and not asking....
floating edgeless...
dissolved in the dissolving
without space or time or spaceless-ness or timelessness....
no one is floating yet the feeling of unknowing, of no reference points,
 is like awe like love like... 
there is nothing like this as there is no other, nor this, that can be compared....
certainly not two,
nor one...
nor not two
nor not one…

and what lies in between the lines after they dissolve
when the words lose all meaning and non meaning?
when they twist and twirl across the page and it is a pirouette of wonder no matter what the dance looks and feels like?
when there are no feet nor footprints nor sand
nor ocean of bliss in which to rest?

waves
softly
lapping
on a non existent shore
ocean without water
wet without wetness
tears
the beauty the beauty the beauty
the love











cartwheels of sky 
acres of moon
there are no miles waiting to be found
hidden under the dusty road

'neath your weary shoes is a mirage that you cannot leave or enter…

while you are here you may bathe in the waters
shimmering
and drink
deeply
this love
pouring

will your thirst be quenched, I cannot say
was mine?
was I ever thirsty?
or was I this thirst to consume the rainbows
that danced through me
as I slid down the infinite colors of love
soaring through me?

the death of tomorrow was my drink
it melted my rainbows,
my hands my heart my life of seeking other…
now the ocean of painted mirages bathes me
in infinite reflections
caresses the softening moon into poems
that never held beauty
words that never held love
suspended without time or timelessness as edgeless beauty
feels like a dream of love

for it is all echoes blooming and fading and beating our hearts
dancing in a rhythm that can never be lost
or found
no need to listen
as all is heard
just as it fades

thin thread of thought paints the feathers and the flight
bursts the petals and the bloom
there are no stars without you falling
through 
sky



I feel like a star struck lover who dissolved into the stars in her eyes
dancing in the flames as her world burned
covered in ashes 
as the dam of tears exploded into ocean
leaving no one inside the flames
under the ashes
or weeping
these tears






~~~~~





young girl walking
her long hair
and wind

street sweeper slowly growling by
his brushes retracted
fingers strolling through the internet of tears





~~~~~~



there is no one pretending
we are pretense itself
made up
imaginary lovers
singing





~~~~~




how can I write a love song when it is love that sings me? 
how can I sing about echoes blooming and falling softly into pools of reflections
drowning in their own rippling beauty



~~~~~







cloudburst!

and the thirsty ground








~~~~~~






whirlpools and eddies seem to hide under the banks
but love will drown you in her own tears


and you will no longer care
where wetness lies







closer than close the nest of empty shadows swirled into a night without darkness and a moon without light...
reflections of love songs seemed to ripple and swing like the ghost of rain
that long long summer of cricket nights
laying in the heavy grasses
rainbows caught in drops of moonlight
I remember the tears

love pours into these lines floating through the page
the wording kat a kit of this and that announces a heart beat
and a breath
that seems to run through this lover’s story

finches are back at the feeders
now that the rain has paused

love never pauses to kiss you
she has never not
you have never not
been this perfect
kiss


























she waited all her life for the perfect sunset
bathed in the colors of mourning

is beauty real
how about love?
real
unreal
surreal
all have lost their meaning...
meaning has lost its meaning...
and yet this feels beautiful

it feels like love
to not know
to not care
how or why this obvious elusive aliveness
this love song
these words
these tears

these doves
floating
down

wings
wind
dancing through your feathers
elegant caress of wind in wind sliding into sky
line of thought weaves rhythm and rhyme
vanishes as it appears
never here
never not here
no one can catch the mourning sun
no heart is empty or full
where are the lines around your heart
that could hold all this love











this illusory world
is illusory
golden finches at the feeders
bulldozers on the street
two feet of mud

stars explode inside my head
moon floats in the neighbors pond
tears and blueberries upon arising

this world just the same
never the same
blackbird’s iridescence
astounds

the desire to sing to soar to love oscillates starlight into love's resonance, 
her echo is skinless, as we dance in this space without space…

Cheshire cat dissolves into moon
moon dissolves into her own reflection

























you were nothing more or less than desire
the movement to find an idea….

the lure of forgotten shores
footprints born of wind
and sand
and an elusive emptiness

like a song you maybe once heard
before time forged your story in the towering cliffs
that began to crumble
as soon as the sun and wind were born

there was the sound of trees
and tears
falling



~~~~~



looking for solidity, for ideas like truth and meaning
holding on to the edge of everything and nothing
longing and terrified to let go
and to hold on
looking for the lines that define you
you slide off the möbius strip as all edges dissolve
they never were
nor were you

knowing there is no other
no reference points whatsoever
no place or time from which to view
no solidity at all
no liquidity
there is no knowing how this is obvious
and no one left to care

eternity collides with emptiness
infinitely intimately
closer than the tongue in your mouth
closer than your breath
your heartbeat
so close
there is no space
nor lack of space


thought ignites the fire of morning
song of light paints the canyon
softly your world blooms
all and everything is revealed in the play of this and that
clearly enunciating itself 
with light and shadow and colors and grey…

before time
after time
when will your world slide into infinite beauty?

there is no next
when galaxies will spin faster or slower,
when you will explode into sky flowers,
when the universe will tap you on the shoulder
and give you the key to 
your 
heart

flash of lightning
in this blackest of nights
appears to expose a path….
where will you go
when there is no tomorrow?

nothing need be or can be added or removed
there are no things or non things
this scintillating liquid light dream
is
and is not

…and how we longed to wade in rainbow flowers
and found we always were














softly softly 
golden door of sunset shuts
last birds leave the feeders
all
sinks
into
transparent wonder

what can be said about this
when the singing is it
sound swallows sound
silence swallows silence

nothing hides within this hush
tears are their wetness
this rush of aliveness
burns itself
there are no ashes
no echoes from tomorrow
bleeding into the day






~~~~~







murmuration of thought
swoops and sweeps through its own creation of space and time
separating and joining the vault of sky

threads of thought weave these tattered wings
ripping
sky
into clouds and 
merging again
into the shimmering



feeling separate from thought, from feeling makes it feel like there is a you who can control thought and feeling,,, 
and yet it is quite obvious that thought and feeling, like all of life, seems to happen quite spontaneously... 

this dissonance seems to be very painful for some, yet overlooked or ignored by most... 
shopping travel drugs etc, are all distractions from that great big maw of utter emptiness that is your very heart





~~~~~




I can feel your heart breathing
songs in all the wild places

morning sings across the canyon
light leaves no signature in the evaporation of dew
footprints on the trail
wind

a dream of echoes
lightly
and the rippling ground 

every poem
is only a poem
nothing is hidden or revealed in these words
there are no things underneath or between the letters
falling
through your heart

under the moon
empty sky
under the sky
no moon
no sky

what cannot be caught by this net of words
this train of thought
crashing

~~~~~

I am a river of reflections
 there is no light dancing
through light
no darkness is revealed when the candle is extinguished
I was not
nor were you
nor this beautiful fragile life
nor this love
nor these tears

simply a rippling dream 
dreaming of rippling

dream of light
dream of morning
dream of a feather
falling
and a river
of echoes
pouring

dreams of reflections
dreams of echoes
dreams of dreams
dreaming


~~~~~


where is the wind
and grasses waving
when you are not

thread of thought embroiders the space in which
poems unfurl your wings 
sky slides through your heart
shreds the boundary
between you and love

and the smooth and unsung back beat of timeless time
reverberates unceasingly
throughout the poem
that sings you


I'm just sitting here in front of a computer like you 
....dark now, the raccoons woke me... traffic starts to drift slowly through this small town....it  sounds like wind and the river, small now, because of drought... 

ate three figs and a bite of rice left over from last nights dinner... 
don't want to cook as it will wake my husband.... 
crickets adorn the dark... 
and I love you for dancing with me, in this ballet where I cannot twirl without you



~~~~~



like sky like clouds like waves like sea
effortlessly suspended…
sublime elegance of unknowing
winged beauty of love hovers between all ideas of time and space
and love

drifting through clouds
we are clouds 
drifting



~~~~~



windblown 
dragon clouds
beckon
a scrap of poem
murmurs
as you dissolve into sky


how to undress the dark from night
unweave the tides from moon
unspeakable nakedness of this life without other
intimately infinitely 
only ever love


your very nakedness unravels
and the universe rushes through your heart
as your heart
drops

thunder of sound
thunder of silence

you never were naked or clothed in this rainbow raiment
this swirling watercolor dream
splashes of not even nothing dissolve in patternless patterns
on the broken walls of your heart
all slips through the cracks in the dissolving sidewalk
pours through the absence of the ground of being
and erases all ideas of love 

and you bathe in waterfalls of color
wetness gazing out through wetness gazing in
infinitely intimate super saturated 
all and everything
a dream of lovers
dreaming love


~~~~~


and you find yourself
crashing through your reflection
broken shards of echoes eviscerate sound 
and silence

shards of colored ink
slide through your skin
underneath there is not even nothing
nothing above
no surface of reflections, simply
a thought dream, a pirouette of song, disappearing as soon as it appears 

tattoos swirl and dissolve in this dream ballet
nakedly intimate
infinitely naked
this is a lovers song
without lovers

how we longed for and feared the absence of knowing... 
our nakedness unravelling.... 
and finding not even nothing under the clothes of desire
that there is a someone who speaks and that there is a something that is said is the illusion of separation
that there is a thing called perception and a thing that perceives is the wondrous illusion of separation
that there is a thing called wonder
is wondrous 

the feeling that there are separate things divided by a thing called space, and that there are separate events on a timeline against a separate thing called space is a fantastical dream created by the belief in thought, which is like a razor, seemingly dividing this from that, here from there, an inside from an outside, and a you from me

thought also seems to create imaginary things like love and enlightenment and a you who is separate from them... this word ballet twirls and weaves a lustrous illusion of separation, a dream of this and that, never and forever, and a you in the middle of this whirling enchantment who seems to move and think and feel, but is inseparable from the dance.

but no matter how hard you look you cannot find an edge or outside to this water colored dream ballet.... and if there is no outside there is no inside.... there is no other, there is no more, there is no next....
you cannot grab something and take it out of 'all this', where would it go? nothing can be added, where would it come from? yet your dreams of more continue, you are the dream of other, the waiting for love, for enlightenment, for this better magical dream spell to spin you into a better or non existent self.... or what ever you have heard or read about... a promised land where love kisses you with her wild wings and you fly away….

but you have never been nor will ever be
you cannot improve or erase yourself
are there two a you in there?
is there an inside or outside? where is the line, your skin? is the wind separate from your skin or the feeling of wind….

there is no one separate from what seems to appear to know or to not know... yet this seamlessness is obvious and there is no knowing how it feels like this, and no looking
all is silent
there is no silence
all is love
there is no you nor me nor love

I love you

~~~~~
and why do you want tomorrow when you cannot have today?



~~~~~


we are a dream of dancing
 in acres of 
sunlight 
streaming 
through us

we were the dream of tomorrow which we never found
spinning whirling looking for what was not and can never be
our tale was woven with looking for more and more ideas to fill in the emptiness of time
never erased the pages of forever
as the story dissolved into shards of mirrored sunlight
spinning us into a golden dream of here and
there
but no there was ever found
leaving not even a here
nor anyone to find it

bathing in shadows glowing
left over moon songs
remnants of feathered tides
gently 
lapping long deserted beaches
where no one wandered looking to mend her broken heart
her wings unfurled after eons of longing
she had always been soaring as timeless wonderment
but looking for tomorrow
had bound her heart
when it had never had edges
nor had she



~~~~~~


'before thought' there is not even nothing…  not even a before

~~~~~


there is no silence 
waiting
for sound to subside
there is no emptiness
hovering
just beneath the fullness

there is no seamlessness sliding into a dream of things
or things dissolving into thing-less-ness

fullness is emptiness
emptiness is fullness
twirling into and through itself

we are rainbows
sliding
through waterfalls of color
overtones 
hovering 
in a sound scape of time
there is no one who is painted into the dream of time and space
all is dream
there is no dream 





~~~~~


pale dawn
mist slides down the mountain
hovers in the cascading waters
where rainbows bloomed
once
when there was belief in the dream spell of tomorrow
and yesterdays…
a girl lost in seamless wonder
fell through the colors that love had painted on her flowing reflection
and found only echoes
of echoes
nothing underneath
or above the fullness of wetness
and the emptiness of time

~~~~~


it was like feeling you had wings but they were tied down
and you JUST KNEW you should be soaring….




~~~~~



you can feel this all consuming fire that longs to be quenched
and a thirst for fire…
a longing to soar
skinless
a fear of falling into your obvious aloneness

love needs no wings as she soars through your naked heart
tenderly her sword of fire pierces your very being as she delivers the fatal kiss of emptiness and fullness

she has been chasing you for as long as you can remember
her footsteps are yours
her hot breath is yours
her heartbeat
her song
is you

inside and outside have been rushing together in a tide of nothingness
swirling around your feet
capsizing all your dreams
of tomorrow
of love
erasing the solidity of memory
eviscerating the belief in belief

where will you stand
when there is no ground to stand on?
whom will you love
when all your lovers are simply empty dreams
like you?

and where are you in this lover’s dance
without lovers?

~~~~~


awakening is the end of the belief and FEELING of separation, it is the end of our world, the end of anyone to have a world
there is no outside or inside, no wholeness nor oneness no emptiness nor fullness... simply a symphony of perception and the inseparable recognition of it, there being no ‘its'... 
and this very song seems to create separate things... like belief and time and feeling and someone to have it... but it is simply obvious, and not known how this is utterly obvious, that there are no things divided by space nor events divided by time

and I am a lover a dancer a singer of wind songs, inseparable from the song of wind, of love, of nothing at all…..




~~~~~



ribbons of thought flow into and through each other spinning 
around a center
and what 
unravels the day dream of time and space
woven from transparent reflections and echoes
that seemed to penetrate your loneliness with love songs
ancient melodies ricocheting through the mind stream…

foreign yet familiar words slide down the canyon 
and you look for your place in the song
but you cannot find a singer
or a note
or an end 
….or beginning

and all there is, is this song of echoes and reflections
hauntingly beautiful
terrible and wondrous
soothing and terrifying
this symphony of wonder
singing you into a ballet of light and shadow
and time
and space
and really
nothing at all

~~~~~
we are the tides of underwater songs drifting through endless sky
ancient and new
meandering
without time or non time
neither moving or still
yet
both, somehow…
echo land dream vibrations
swoon into the wetness of this 
very 
kiss

this obvious elusive aliveness…
swiftly 
clouds
dreaming of sleep
and the darkening sky





after the rain
summer longs for summer
where are you this long moon night





~~~~~~



doves flutter to the ground
sound feathers
soar through your heart
what is not magic 
long summer days
dissolve

the dream cannot be destroyed as it is illusion
as well as your heart
breaking 


~~~~~


it hurts like hell, like being skinned alive
as there is nothing under your skin
awakening is like being eviscerated. truly.
 ALL you are, all your beliefs and assumptions all your 'knowing' which is what you are, the very fabric of your being is torn, limb by limb, artery by artery, cell by cell, until there is utterly nothing left. what would you be without all your ideas about enlightenment? 
what is left if there is no time or space or now or next or here or there?

physically the only thing I felt was a great heart ache, worse than when my mom died. a deep grief.... later I figured it was a mourning for myself, really, for the end of belief in myself and 'my' life and my world.



~~~~~


the dream cannot be destroyed as it is illusion
as well as your heart
breaking 




~~~~~


this utter unknowable elusive immediacy!
nothing can be known as no knower can be found
trying to see this just happens, or not
coming up against a brick wall of unknowing seems to happen,
or not

you cannot by pass the programming as you are it
just a bunch of learned shared words and ideas
nuthin solid or stable or unchanging underneath or prior…
 it feels like there is time when it feels like there is an unchanging you

the thought stream racing meandering flowing.... and all of these ideas about the thought stream are the thought stream
it really has no movement or non movement…
and is not an it as there are no sides… no inside or outside… 
simply the ZING of this obvious aliveness looking and feeling like anything at all

~~~~~
and you are the waiting for a never arising next
the hope
and fear of letting go
….the hope and fear of holding on

there is nothing that will happen
nothing to attain
nowhere to go…
you cannot let go or hold on,
 as there is no you separate from what is going on…
you cannot jump into or sneak up on this…
there is no this
or that

what you are longing for is always obvious
but it cannot be known in the conventional sense,
it does not make sense as
it is not an it

this unknowable elusive treasure can never be found
or lost

golden slides into deep deep reds
flooding deep and endless blues
cricket song unravels the day dream into the dream of night




~~~~~





real un real surreal… life simply seems to self arise and self erase simultaneously, looking and feeling like anything at all.... 
I would say that it feels like a love song.... simultaneously real and unreal and surreal...  there is no need to capture or hold this obvious magical illusion, or jump into it or escape it, I am it and it is me and there is no it and there is no me, there is no love, and all is, indeed,
love


~~~~~


sunrise slides across every windshield 
waves of love and sky 
swoon into sky

the dream of you and me cannot be destroyed or let go of 
as it is illusion
yet the belief in separation can end
this is the end of the search,
the need to know to capture to discover
what cannot be known
and need not be discovered 
nothing can be found
or lost

there are no steps in to or out of this dream land ballet
that seems to whirl and swirl into and through itself 
no effort or non effort will bring you closer or take you away
this cannot be found in a book... 
this cannot be found
there is no this
and no one to find it



~~~~~

dove 
floats to the ground
tail feathers a-fanning
she cannot see me behind my window of reflections
there is nothing to find
behind the veil of echoes
how beautiful the lace of dew and spider webs
hanging from the gate





~~~~~~





you are a shooting star and yet you curse your beautiful light

~~~~~
thorns
flowering
clouds
dissolving 
sky
written
fairytales streaming

labyrinth of 
echoes
blooming
into sound and 
silent
petals
falling into these meandering
words
soaring without
wings
or feathers
shredding
all ideas of
a background of time and
space
filled with
sky




~~~~~



and what is left after everything is gone
and not even emptiness remains?
there is no after
there is no next…

it feels like an impossibly wondrous fairy tale of love streaming though love…. beauty streaming through beauty... tears through tears... wetness through wetness... dreams sliding though dreams... nothing pouring through nothing, emptiness dissolving in emptiness...
space 
floating 
in space
a sumptuous unknowable aliveness 
wonderful beyond measure…

~~~~~


gently
softly
morning

darkness hides under the tangling roses
sea foam clouds pour across the canyon
through my heart
an echo without a voice
this 
without 
other



~~~~~



sky pulls apart the evening
words bloom in this intimacy
what is not a poem?
sound…
silence…
nothing can be found or lost in this labyrinth of echoes

she stares into the 
darkening 
sky 
swallows her
swallows 
sky

laughter from the neighboring fields
pulls apart the skin of sound


~~~~~

what can be understood?
what need be understood?
thought fills in the blanks
it is all 
blank

….and when are your heart strings not singing?
~~~~~

and your heart breaks and breaks and
breaks
until it is no longer yours
and you dissolve into boundless ocean 
where love and death dance
suspended
between time and timelessness 
infinitely intimate
and
nothing
at all

~~~~~


spontaneously, magically… empty threads of thought shimmer as they weave us and our world..... dissolving as they touch

~~~~~



you cannot escape this eclipse of madness
this tsunami of love
this haunting beauty that chases you

 

as you run you long to whirl around and demand 
an answer
why sorrow why love why tears why beauty why 
this deep deep grief
this ache in my chest
this emptiness I feel
this loneliness….
this fear to feel so deeply to love so deeply to be utterly consumed
by this great maw of desire

you are terrified that if you turn around
there will be nothing there
and all you have ever known
the very ground you walk upon
the sky that illuminates your day
the stars you dream underneath
these tears that bathe your beauty
all the love you have longed for
 you and your life
will disappear
~~~~~


this poem is and is not
nor am I
yet I seem to arise in the song that I sing

intangibly bittersweet
words weave a melody of echos
that pierce this broken hearted beauty and 
hold it
between sound and silence
in the words that sing it

we fall through the notes and letters
and dissolve into the music
as stars adorn our beautiful naked tears

and it is all
reflections
of reflections
liquid dreams of transparent wonderment 
waves and whirlpools of tears
I am this beautiful ache for whatever seems to appear



~~~~~


ideas like before and after seem to slice up the sky
where is the lightening in my dream last night?
where is the blackness before
where is the blackness after
where is the light?

why is the morning so dark as sky leaks into the canyon
dusting the ridge tops
shooting down the cliffs
softly now
caressing the garden path
sparrows sing




~~~~~

and the clouds had no tether
no scaffold held up the sky
love had no boundaries
other than the lines and squiggles in these words 

you are as ineffable and spacious as thought
spiraling 
without end or beginning
whirl-pooling dreams of timeless wonderment
endless words repeating and dissolving into their own skinless sound
liquidity of sound
pouring
through through a bottomless echo

measureless dimensionless spaceless space dissolves into this fairytale of love
spun of golden daydreams
and the death of night
and time
and love
scattered like ancient songs on the sidewalk of time
where you once wandered 
looking for the song
that sang you



~~~~~

what separates you from the stars
what is in between the stars and you?
is it the longing for 
starlight 
that defines you?


~~~~~



there is no next... nor a that…. or a this... 
one without two, two without one…
none without none…


~~~~~

there is simply no feeling that 'LIFE SHOULDN'T BE LIKE THIS!', or trying to lasso the clouds or sky or thought or feeling... 
or capture this dream that sings itself as there is no feeling of separation from this magical aliveness
there is no worry at all, but there may be concern, 
as all hope and fear of a never arising next is gone
(
and there is never boredom)

weeping heart wrenching sobs and feeling the utter beauty and awe... the gob-smacking magic of life looking and feeling like anything at all... that there are no things no selves, no next, no other,
.... no love... 
and yet it all feels, somehow like love... like awe.... like
 nothing at all….


such bittersweet beauty of life and death and love and 
all that seems to sweep through this passion play

last breath of midnight dissolves the moon and her reflection
….and where is love when it is all love



~~~~~


wind slides through wind... 
leaves not a ripple nor any answers to why
wind
is silence hidden or revealed by sound?
what could be separate from this liquid ballet of thought 
swooping and swirling through thought?
whirlpools of memory paint you and your world…
if thought stops all and everything disappears

love is a word
she opens all your secret letters
rips apart the barriers of sound
nothing is ever written or sent
she reveals your skinless heart
this unowned love
you are your heart song
this enchantment of words
the dream spell sings the song of time and space
there is no other

liquid words weave and
dissolve 
the edges of time
rain
plum leaves falling


~~~~~


beauty and butterflies you and me and love and a thing called awareness... all made up mentally fabricated things…
 this unitary edgeless flow, neither moving nor non moving, seems to swoop and swirl into and through itself creating patternless patterns of echoes without sound, and reflections without light…
simply this infinite intimate kiss that can never be captured

impossibly beautiful 
wondrously elusive
this dream that breathes and sings this love song
paints me embraces me and dissolve me into this water color wind ballet
of wind in wind
sky in sky
trailing scraps of clouds 
 indecipherable words that signify
nothing
suggesting this unknowable edgeless vast spaciousness without space

soaring
wingless
featherless
naked aliveness
unfettered by time or space
or name or concept

these keys, smooth, under my fingertips
words like dream and love slide across the screen

and what is not a poem
in this seamless wonderland ballet
twirling through your mind stream
that you never entered yet cannot leave

all encompassing brilliance burns even its own light 
as we dance in love’s unquenchable fire and
pirouette through endless streams of light and color and sound and

dissolve in this edgeless ocean of love